Civility seems to be the word of the moment, but I can’t blame some for being skeptical of calls from certain quarters to be kind in light of current criminal charges. I mean, it’s not like that person who does not need to be named was ever civil in his interactions with those who didn’t share his beliefs. (I’m reminded of someone’s chants to “lock her up.” How’d that work out?)
Some of the commenters on the newspaper’s website even pledged recently to be civil. Not that it lasted long, as one of the self-proclaimed saner and more broad-minded of the bunch almost immediately started name-calling everyone he didn’t like. Anonymous trolls will be anonymous trolls. Sigh.
Still, we should be civil to the uncivil, hard as that can be. That does not mean, however, that wrongs should be overlooked, or even excused. It does mean, that when calling out those wrongs, you don’t sink to their level of playground bullying and lying about what the other side has done. (Or about what you’ve done. Seriously, dude, don’t claim that you had a letter published in my newspaper in 2003 about the Dixie Chicks controversy unless you have proof. We know you don’t want people to know who you are, so you lied. Again.) Respond firmly but civilly with facts rather than firing off all cannons. Someone unwilling to stand behind their words using their real name while also doing what a troll does, i.e., intentionally antagonize others by posting inflammatory, irrelevant, or offensive comments or other disruptive content, has earned the title of anonymous troll, so it isn’t name-calling to point that out.
Alexandra Hudson on Civic Renaissance in May 2022 defined civility as “the basic respect we are owed by virtue of our shared dignity and equal moral worth as human beings. We owe this to others regardless of who they are, what they look like, where they are from, whether or not we like them, and whether or not they can do anything for us.”
In a business deal she dealt with someone who, she noted, was operating on different moral and ethical levels than she was, bringing out her baser instinct to go “scorched earth”; still, she resisted and they managed an agreement.
“I was able to rise above the pettiness and the vindictiveness that I wanted to respond with—a facet of the human personality that we all share when we feel we are under threat. But it wasn’t an experience I particularly enjoyed. I was left with feelings of frustration and exhaustion. I felt like I had been disrespected and degraded. I also felt disappointed in myself.”
That’s generally how I feel when I lash out despite my better judgment; it’s exhausting to deal with the name-calling and false victimhood, and frustrating because it’s nearly pointless to respond since it will just spawn more such discourse. The trolls on the newspaper’s site can be especially nasty, and can’t type much without insulting someone directly; it’s seemed to have gotten much worse of late.
Hudson wrote, and I agree: “We contribute to this trust-corroding ripple effect when we are uncivil. Others do, too, with their incivility. The incivility of others often tempts us to relinquish the shackles of decency in order to ‘win.’ But we must resist—for our own sake, for others, and for society.
“We cannot control the conduct of others. We can only control ourselves.”
But yeah, sometimes it’s hard to hold back. Try harder so you don’t end up in the muck.
😷😷😷😷😷
Speaking of civility, a reminder as covid cases have started to tick upward again: You will see more people wearing masks again when they’re out and about. Don’t harass them about wearing masks, and they’re unlikely to harass you about not wearing a mask. Live and let live. (Heck, use that directive for more than just masks; the mere existence of LGBTQ+, women, people of color, etc., doesn’t hurt you, but your insistence that everyone share only what you believe is harmful to society at large.)
A few days ago, a close friend tested positive for covid. The last time she had it was around the time of Jan. 6, 2021, and she awoke in confusion to the scene at the Capitol, wondering what movie she was watching. This time she has Pavloxid, so she’s much more lucid, much quicker, thanks to medical science.
I spent a bit of time this weekend in the dark with a migraine, dizziness and nausea, and hoping that my symptoms were only migraine. My first covid bout this January (in my birthday week; how rude) was relatively minor thanks to being fully vaccinated and boosted, but it took all of my energy. I’m fairly sure I don’t have it now, but you never know, and I’ve gotten out of the habit of being as careful as I was two years ago at this time, just a few months before I would lose my brother Corey to covid.
I wore a mask to his memorial service (rightly so, as there were at least a couple of full-blown cases there, one of whom died not long after) and any time I was out in public. Over the past year or so, though, I’ve forgotten my mask more often than I’ve remembered it.
But for the time being, the mask is going back on; either a high-quality multi-layer washable cloth one with a replaceable filter, or an N95 or KN95 mask. Nothing will protect a person from everything, but being masked makes it less likely that I’ll give my cooties to others, and vice versa.
And why be civil when someone is wearing a mask? For one thing, it has no ill effect on you if someone else wears a mask, a notion that wouldn’t even be an issue had covid and the precautions against it not been so politicized by a certain former president and his true believers. People regularly must don masks and gowns when visiting high-risk patients in the hospital; if they were completely useless in blocking infectious material, they wouldn’t be used. We saw scientific research happening in real time with covid-19, a novel virus, so recommendations would change as more information was assembled. Those of us who understand research of that type expected a natural evolution, but in this instance, know-nothings muddied the water with politics, which made the pandemic worse than it should have been, not just because of the length and spread, but because that misinformation and disinformation fueled more incivility, hostility and obstruction. Never before had I seen so many “adults” act like spoiled 6-year-olds, especially if someone in their presence was wearing a mask.
Additionally, Dr. Waleed Javaid, epidemiologist and director of Infection Prevention and Control at Mount Sinai Downtown in New York City, told NPR that we need to to be empathetic to the needs of others. “We don’t know other people’s risks. Some people may have serious illnesses, immunocompromising conditions, cancers, or transplants—and not share this information with their friends or loved ones.”
If you wonder why someone you know might not share that information with you, you might be the problem. Those at elevated risk for infection because of age or illness, Andrew Pekosz, a professor of molecular microbiology and immunology at the Johns Hopkins Center for Global Health, told NPR, “In my opinion, if you are in those groups, that should more than justify taking a few extra precautions if you want to minimize your risk. And I think we as a society needs to be a little bit more accepting of those individuals who feel the need to take those steps to protect themselves.”
So if you feel the need, when seeing someone in a mask, to ask why they’re wearing a diaper on their face or some other equally “witty” retort, just don’t. We’ll return the kindness.
Serenity is a fuzzy belly 