Probably everyone has had to deal with a friend or family member who has given in to conspiracy theories, and in some cases had to cut off ties to retain sanity, or has lost that person completely. But where once those truly invested in outlandish tales that just a few seconds of research could debunk were usually given at least some access to the therapy they might need for their paranoia, now we reward them with seats in Congress and elsewhere.
And you wonder why I don’t like politics.
Now, everything is a conspiracy, even Taylor Swift’s romance with the Kansas City Chiefs’ Travis Kelce. I haven’t paid attention to the NFL in years (and I used to watch religiously in my youth as a fan of Da Bears and that team from Washington), but now I can’t get away from it. There’s even a theory that Swift wrote a spy movie/yet-to-be-published novel (“Argylle”; she didn’t, but that’s neither here nor there); there’s apparently very little that woman can’t do.
I’m no Swiftie, but I admire, as any conniving little sister should, the way she can rile up certain quarters with her very existence. Take notes, girls. This might come in handy.
What may be most annoying to me in the Swift conspiracy theories is that they’ve become so infuriatingly and stupidly political (because how dare she stand up for her work and other women, and really how dare she encourage voter registration). Infuriating because she’s an entertainer who’s been pulled into politics because she dared to make the point that several in Congress from Tennessee representing themselves as Christians don’t stand for the things she and other Tennessee Christians stand for, especially in regard to women and abortion. Stupid because, well, honestly, the theories are for the most part utterly ridiculous.
Over the weekend, Mike Crispi, who on his website says he is “an experienced talk show host, TV reporter, businessman and political activist” (strange, never heard of the dude, but it appears he’s an America First podcaster … maybe padding the resume a bit), tweeted: “The NFL is totally RIGGED for the Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift, Mr. Pfizer (Travis Kelce). All to spread DEMOCRAT PROPAGANDA.
“Calling it now: KC wins, goes to Super Bowl, Swift comes out at the halftime show and ‘endorses’ Joe Biden with Kelce at midfield. It’s all been an op since day one.”
A lot to unpack there. Yeesh. Crispi isn’t the only one advancing this theory, though. Failed presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy piped in Monday in reply to Pizzagate promoter (he’s a real winner) Jack Posobiec’s tweet about Swift “coming out as super liberal in 2020” (uh, she mostly stayed out of politics till 2018, when she endorsed two Tennessee Democrats in their congressional races, one for Senate and the other in the congressional district where she lived; she endorsed Biden in 2020): “I wonder who’s going to win the Super Bowl next month. And I wonder if there’s a major presidential endorsement coming from an artificially culturally propped-up couple this fall. …”
Frankly, I’m sensing some people in need of new hobbies that don’t involve seeing the world as a series of interconnected plots to … I dunno … make cats the rulers of the world (they already rule the Internet, and did long before Taylor Swift’s cats were ubiquitous). Actually, that theory would be a nice departure from their usual doom and gloom. How do people live like that? I have had severe depression for decades, but I’m a nonstop ray of sunshine in comparison.
(Thanks, by the way, to Sarah Kinsey, who keeps more of an eye on Twitter than I do and alerted me to several tweets worthy of comment.)
And hey, didn’t these guys banish the NFL after the whole Colin Kaepernick thing? You’d almost think that they were just looking for things to complain about, and who better than Swift (who briefly caught their applause for standing up to George Soros … even though it wasn’t actually George Soros, but one of his funding groups that was one of several private equity companies with a stake in Ithaca Holdings, which purchased her masters), she-devil that she is, encouraging people to register to vote, quite possibly against people whose only intention in office is disruption, and Kelce, who in addition to playing football, has endorsement deals with hackle-raising (for the MAGA audience) clients like Bud Light, Nike and Pfizer. (OMG! Vaccines!!!!!)
But there are more theories about Swift and Kelce’s romance, including that she’s dating him for his money (!!), despite the fact that she’s worth upwards of $1 billion (with a B) and he’s worth about $40 million. There’s the idea that she’s dating him to tank the Chiefs in favor of the Philadelphia Eagles (she was born in Pennsylvania); that didn’t quite work out, now, did it? There’s also the one claiming that she actually wants to date Travis’ brother Jason, who plays for the Eagles … and is married.
Some others Angela Wirecutter of Wired rounded up several months back, long before the latest theories:
🤬 Something about the Swift-Kim Kardashian feud (don’t ask me … maybe from the whole Kanye VMA award kerfuffle?). Kardashian announced in September that Usher would play the Super Bowl halftime show, and the thought is that Swift wanted to outshine Kardashian by her presence at Chiefs games. Another of the Super Bowl-related theories is that the NFL is playing Swift’s football fandom up to try to capitalize on the energy and hype of the Eras Tour (this is infinitely believable, especially in the months since it was published).
👉 Swift is trying to deflect attention from, well, just about anything, but in one specific instance, from her outing with friend Sophie Turner, with whom she shares an ex (that’d be Joe Jonas, the inspiration for “Mr. Perfectly Fine” and other tracks).
💰 She just wants new material for an album, and/or to sell movie tickets to the Eras Tour concert film. Not that she needs the help.
🧮 The numbers “make sense”: They were both born in 1989, and her lucky number (13) added to his number on the field (87) equals 100.
Jonathan Weisman of The New York Times on Tuesday traced the point when the Swift-Kelce theories really caught fire: “The right has been fuming about Ms. Swift since September, when she urged her fans on Instagram to register to vote, and the online outfit Vote.org reported a surge of 35,000 registrations in response. Ms. Swift had embarked on a world tour that helped make her a billionaire. Gavin Newsom, the California governor, praised her as ‘profoundly powerful.’ And then Time magazine made her Person of the Year in December, kicking off another round of MAGA indignation. …”
“Much of the Swift paranoia has lurked on the MAGA fringes, with people like Ms. [Laura] Loomer, the conspiracy theorist from Florida who declared in December that ‘2024 will be MAGA vs Swifties’ and Mr. [Charlie] Kirk, who declared in November that Ms. Swift would ‘come out for the presidential election’ after Democrats had another strong showing in an election that demonstrated the issue of abortion motivated voters to the polls. ‘All the Swifties want is swift abortion,’ he said.
“Then Swift-bashing reached Fox News in mid-January. The host Jesse Watters suggested the superstar was a Defense Department asset engaging in psychological warfare. He tied Ms. Swift’s political voice with her boyfriend’s Pfizer endorsement to the remarkable success of her Eras tour, which bolstered local economies and landed her on the cover of Time.
“‘Have you ever wondered why or how she blew up like this? Mr. Watters wondered on air. ‘Well, around four years ago, the Pentagon psychological operations unit floated turning Taylor Swift into an asset during a NATO meeting.’”
Oof. I think a lot of people could use a new hobby. Maybe turn off the Internet for a while …
I have to hand it to some of the people who’ve responded to the insanity, and share some of my favorites (even though some are simply showing off the idiocy of the claims without much comment):
Some genuine conspiracies do exist, but what makes them workable historically is something that’s lacking in many of the outlandish ones (seriously, you think Swift is a psy-op?): proportion. Those that have (mostly) worked generally were confined in breadth and width, with small groups working closely together on the details. The more people and geographical area added, especially over a long period of time, the harder it is for a conspiracy to work.
But sure, maybe there’s been something in the works since Swift and Kelce were born in 1989, all so Joe Biden can prevail in the 2024 election.
Then again, maybe Swift is angling for something bigger; she is almost old enough to be eligible to be president …
Serenity is a fuzzy belly 