On the concourse of human events …

I’d say I laughed like this, but then you might think I follow Alex Jones’ insanity.
GIF found on Photobucket.

A year ago at this time, I was chuckling over the conspiracy theories spouted by those (ahem, Alex Jones … ’nuff said) who thought Democrats were organized enough to start the Second Civil War (and this was before they had two dozen candidates for president). Then I was guffawing from the results of the Twitter hashtags #SecondCivilWarLetters and #CivilWarPotluck (because, especially if this is taking place in the South, there must be a potluck; it’s the law). As usual, there was too much potato salad and not enough napkins.

This year there were no wild conspiracies (at least that I saw), but Twitter didn’t let me down, thanks to some embarrassing historical goofs in the president’s speech on July 4:

“The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware, and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown. Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rockets’ red glare, it had nothing but victory. When dawn came, the star-spangled banner waved defiant.”

Someone is seriously in need of a refresher course in American History.

But wait … doesn’t that cloud sort of look like an airliner???
Surrender of the Hessian troops to General Washington, after the Battle of Trenton, Dec. 25th 1776 (Anne S. K. Brown Military Collection) found on Journal of the American Revolution.

Just so you know (not that you didn’t, because my blog readers are all highly intelligent), there were no airports at the time of the Revolutionary War (or planes, for that matter), nor was the Battle of Fort McHenry (not McHendry, as the president pronounced it) that inspired the Star-Spangled Banner during that war (it was in the War of 1812 a couple of decades later). And by the way, Cornwallis was defeated at Yorktown; he was from London.

(I will give the White House Web people props, though, as they seem to have learned from past mistakes of posting transcripts that deleted embarrassing things. Though it wasn’t posted till sometime the next day, the transcript of the speech showed that section as it was delivered, not as it was written.)

Before the fireworks had fizzled, people were weaving tales of the Battle of Baggage Claim (in which “Many lives were lost. And bags too,” per “Covfefe Jones, King of Shade”) and the like, using the hashtags #RevolutionaryWar Airports or #RevolutionaryWarAirportStories.

It was a horrific scene. Baggage-handlers were set upon with great fury.
Screenshot from Covfefe Jones, King of Shade’s Twitter page.

Never underestimate people with a weird sense of humor and a day or two off from work. Times like this almost make me wish I had a Twitter account so I could join in. Of course, I only had one day off, and edited columns while the speech was going on … after I finished my Stranger Things 3 marathon (priorities, y’all).

I hope George didn’t also do Risky Business. I don’t think my eyes would survive.
Screenshot from Ryan Chapline’s Twitter page.

I mean, who knew George Washington was the original Top Gun Maverick? Sure seems that way according to Ryan Chapline’s tweet quoting the then-general as saying, “I perceive the necessity … the necessity for haste.”

An account called “ReallyDon’tTrump” tweeted out: “Little- Known Fact: We won because so many British soldiers couldn’t fit their muskets in the overhead bin on their flights over.”

And the TSA refused to let them keep their bayonets!
Screenshot from ReallyDon’tTrump’s Twitter page.

I can’t even reach the overhead bins, which is one reason I don’t fly. I’m also not a fan of crowds or falling from heights. And every time I’ve flown, they’ve never given me the whole ginger ale. Cheapskates.

On Friday, the president told reporters that the gaffes were because a rain-soaked teleprompter suddenly stopped working (but, he said, he knew the speech very well and “was able to do it without a teleprompter.” Sure …). “By then, however,” wrote Julie Hinds of the Detroit Free Press, “social media already had proven that, in 2019, everyone is a comedian.”

As if to prove the point, Matt O’Malley, a member of Boston’s city council, channeled Longfellow/Paul Revere with “One if by land, two if by Gate C.”

And five if by Uber.
Screenshot from Matt O’Malley’s Twitter page.

As with the Second Civil War tweets, some of my favorites were the letters home from those fighting the Redcoats. “JackWBower” wrote: “My Dearest Rose, I’m afraid I must be the bearer of bad news. My flight has already been delayed a fortnight, and I fear it will be longer. The army has shut down the airport and the airplane will not be invented for 6 score and 7 years from now.”

If someone would contact Doctor Who, we might be able to rectify the situation. Be sure to read the entire thread with Naama Yahuda here.
Screenshot from JackWBower’s Twitter page.

Not to be outdone, General Washington, channeled by “Shawna,” tweeted: “Dearest Martha, please find enclosed a tracking number for my lost luggage at Philadelphia. It shall arrive to Mount Vernon via carriage in 21-25 days. Also enclosed is a receipt for the cost of parking my horse at Dulles for the weekend.”

His powdered wigs were in that luggage … the horror!
Screenshot from Shawna’s Twitter page.

“Diane@hpochocolate1” wrote of the horrors of war. I’m still shaken. “Dearest, the battle for gate C4 was hard fought, but we prevailed. Alas, we ran out of ammunition, and had to lob our stores of Cinnabons at them. The sacrifices of war try our souls.”

The cinnamon! The icing! It burns!
Screenshot from Diane@hpochocolate1’s Twitter page.

And cinnamon is so soothing at times like this … alas …

Don’t worry … I have more for my lovely blog readers. The comedy soup was thick.

This would not surprise me at all. I have short legs and still had them trapped by a recliner.
Screenshot from The Notorious ROY G BIV’s Twitter page.

If my Pineapple Crush or Cranberry Canada Dry were cut off, I’d be mad too.
Screenshot from Charlie Heat’s Twitter page.

Man, they really were advanced back then … what happened?
Screenshot from Airship’s Twitter page.

So they had airplanes but no flashlights???
Screenshot from Mary Clare Andrews’ Twitter page.

Newark … shudder …
Screenshot from Jonathan Miller’s Twitter page.

Uh … George, I have some bad news …
Screenshot from dianne4dixie’s Twitter page.

This is why you should clearly mark your luggage!
Screenshot from Brett Crueger’s Twitter page.

That is one valuable piece of history, dude.
Screenshot from Keith Gaddie’s Twitter page.

It wasn’t bad enough he went sockless.
Screenshot from Stephanie Beeck’s Twitter page.

She’s related to the people who’ve been licking Blue Bell in grocery stores. I’ll stick with Yarnell’s for now.
Screenshot from Covefefe Jones, King of Shade’s Twitter page.

If you’re confused by the reference, click here.
Screenshot from Michael Stevenson’s Twitter page.

Unconfirmed reports say a gorilla was spotted with several pieces of luggage.
Screenshot from mandi’s ghost’s Twitter page.

This is one of the reasons I only recommend Wikipedia as a tertiary source (it doesn’t even merit secondary): Anyone can edit the page. But at least some people make it funny. Click for larger image.
Screenshot from Kai Peter’s Twitter page.

The TSA page was also edited on Wikipedia. Gotta watch out for guys named Bob. Click for larger image.
Screenshot from Meegan’s Twitter page.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that people can usually find a way to relieve tension and laugh even at the worst of times, and it’s a very healthy thing to do (seriously, listen to the Mayo Clinic). With such immediate audiences as those provided by social media, of course there will be jokes … some ill-advised and in need of apology and/or deletion, but jokes nonetheless.

Humor is one of the ways humans relate to each other, and leaders who make laughable gaffes will inevitably find themselves the butt of jokes. Just on Saturday Night Live, think of the portrayals of Jimmy Carter, George Bush, Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman’s McDonald’s sketch still cracks me up) and other presidents, politicians and world leaders. Putin on SNL, though, couldn’t creep me out more. Ewww.

If Twitter had been around in Lyndon Johnson’s day, I can just imagine the hashtag jokes that would circulate about the exceedingly vain and crude president (sounds familiar …), especially after the gall bladder surgery-scar and beagle-ears incidents.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson lifts his beagle Her by the ears, intending to help photographers, but illustrating, instead, the awkward gap between himself and John F. Kennedy.
Image by Charles P. Gorry, AP.

The people in power, loved or despised, will always be targets for jokes, especially from those opposing them, but also from those on the same side. Laughter can unite us … well, except for the people who never get the joke and are always looking for offense, usually without knowing the facts because they only halfway heard what was going on. (If you knew how many letters I’ve had to reject because the central point was something the letter-writer misunderstood … sigh.)

One of the beauties of viral Twitter jokes like #RevolutionaryWarAirportStories is that they just naturally come to an end when people sense that the concept’s gotten stale, usually after two or three days.

I wish that would happen to the people (mainly three trolls) on the newspaper’s comment boards who, just because they want to cause trouble, insist on keeping comments going on my column about toxic commenters a few weeks back. Let it die, guys. No one but you thinks you’re funny.

At least the commenters here have more sense, style, charm and humor. And of course you’re all devilishly good-looking. Just for that, one more tweet:

It’s always a woman’s fault, apparently.
Screenshot from Ben Andrews’ Twitter page.

13 thoughts on “On the concourse of human events …

  1. I’m puzzled by Trump’s claim that he knew the speech so well he was able to recite it without the prompter. Does this mean his speechwriters were as aeronautically clueless as their boss?

    Also a friend has revealed that the band, Jefferson Airplane, was named in honor of Thomas Jefferson’s airplane. Little known fact.


  2. I’m puzzled by Trump’s claim that he knew the speech so well he was able to recite it without the prompter. Does this mean his speechwriters were as aeronautically clueless as their boss?

    Also a friend has revealed that the band, Jefferson Airplane, was named in honor of Thomas Jefferson’s airplane. Little known fact.


  3. Someone (like my former sister-in-law?) is seriously in need of a refresher course in American History? She probably thinks Trump is correct because she has no interest whatsoever in history. Yes she did vote for him. If I try to tell her what Trump got wrong, she would refuse to listen.


  4. Speaking of only halfway hearing or not hearing clearly what you are listening to, the first time I heard the song “Sharp Dressed Man” by Z.Z. Top, I misheard it as “Shark Dressed Man”. I remember wondering why the women would go crazy for a “Shark Dressed Man” and why would someone even want to wear a shark?


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