Dear Disgruntled, Part II

I'm so ashamed that I'm so biased ...

I’m so ashamed that I’m so biased …

I see you’re still disgruntled.

I’m so sorry. Perhaps more fiber in your diet would help.

****

Thank you, again, for so accurately pegging me; it’s from our critics that we learn the most, so I’m thankful to have someone finally tell me that the way I do my job is just enabling part of the liberal media conspiracy.

Apparently the idea of opening up the letters page to a wider variety of opinion from a wider variety of people is against rules no one told me about.

Clinton with President Barack Obama and Senior...

Clinton with President Barack Obama and Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett in July 2010 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I really wasn’t aware that I was supposed to be all-conservative, all the time, and run only those opinions with which you and your tribe agree. Now that I know, I’ll get right on that and automatically toss any letters that aren’t critical of homosexuality, feminism and/or women in general, Democrats, liberals (basically anyone but modern Republicans and their offshoots), Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, the United Nations, equal rights for anyone who isn’t a white male of at least middle income, beliefs other than white-bread Christianity depending on which way the wind is blowing (and then Catholicism and/or Judaism may get a pass), immigration reform, the Affordable Care Act, Mexicans, kittens, sunshine, marshmallows, world peace … uh … I lost my train of thought.

No more cute kitties? No more fluffy marshmallows? Not fair!

No more cute kitties? No more marshmallows? Not fair!

Anyway, imagine my surprise when you objected to my inclusion, in my enclosed documentation, of poll results that you cited in your letter that didn’t show what you said they did. I’m so sorry I let facts get in the way of your letter being printed, especially when they come from such a liberal source as The Washington Post (which you cited, remember?).

God Bless America

God Bless America (Photo credit: wstera2)

You’re right, I should base any “fact“-checking I do using sources such as Daily Caller, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and The Blaze because they’re clearly not biased and receive no money from shadowy special interests or uber-wealthy people bent on controlling the world. And because they’re Ah-mur-kin! As you stated (and I’ll make sure to quote you correctly even though you neglected to do the same for me): “Low information voters seek biased or unreliable sources suiting their own ideology.”

Perhaps when next we talk I can let you know about this support group I’ve heard about for people with no sense of irony. It’s called the Tea Party.

Gosh, I should know that the definition of “fact” is “whatever brilliance comes out of a Republican’s mouth.” It’s true, there’s no good reason why time and new information would change initial ESTIMATES of a program’s cost, because as we know, costs are static, like those for the Iraq War, the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts, etc., and we should ignore that you previously cited the Congressional Budget Office as a reliable source. And yes, sites like Politifact and FactCheck.org that disclose both their funding sources and the sources of documentation with links to same are obviously biased as well and I should discontinue trusting them (unless they say that a Republican is right or a Democrat is wrong, and then they’re fine sources), or even seek out original document sources on file with the National Archives because they’re in on the Obama conspiracy too. Heck, they’ve probably snuck some horrible amendments into the Constitution to give women and blacks rights, and we can’t have that!

I also will let two of the three people you mentioned know that they’ve been misidentifying themselves all this time, and that the agnostic and rabid Christian are both actually atheists. I’m sure that will come as a surprise to them, much as it did to me. The third will just be shocked that you identified him correctly … though not the spelling of his name … never mind.

Old church in Junction City, Kan. Picture from old-photos.blogspot.com.

Old country church near Junction City, Kan. Picture from old-photos.blogspot.com.

All readers must know they’re not allowed to write in unless they’re Christian … but not any of those weird ones, of course. Like those “Christians” who are Democrats or who actually act like the Bible says Christians should act.

I will be running your latest letter, but will be editing it according to my personal biases, as I do all letters. Nobody said “Satan has taken the fun out of racism” … I made that up, just like most of the outlandish comments I’ve published on the page.

I’ll make sure when I edit your letter that I note that the X painted on structures belonging to Coptic Christians is black because the massive liberal conspiracy says the black Xs are for Christians and red, which you stated, are for Muslims, because you know, better dead than red. Besides, I have to uphold my oath to Satan and liberals of all stripes. And since we know that genocide didn’t start until Hitler came along (according to your letter, which will come as a shock to the millions of people murdered through the ages long before Adolf sieg’d his first heil), I’ll adjust that as well to fit my ideology.

Because, ya know, I can. And I’m clearly evil.

Thanks for writing!

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